ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
