Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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