how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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