but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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