Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
