; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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