Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
