My Higher Power is John Stamos
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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