I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
