Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
