Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Man, jail baloney is awful.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
