Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
