I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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