I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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