Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
