we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
