hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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