remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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