Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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