I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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