He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
