Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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