New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
