You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Small penises have feelings too.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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