I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
