We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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