either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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