New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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