dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
