Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
