so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
