First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
