ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
