I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
