There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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