I accidentally had phone sex last night
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
