you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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