Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
