Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
