So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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