ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
