dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
