he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
