Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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