Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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