What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
