my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
