Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
