I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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