The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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