Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
