I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
